Did you tune in for episode "The relationship guy" with coach John Kenny? Here is why you should!
If we are open to learning and acknowledging that actually we all have deep work to be done, we can be thriving in our relationships in no time. Quite often we get in our own way when it comes to relationship and connection building. We operate from a place of self indulgence, asking ourselves questions like "why can't x be like this?" or thinking the grass is greener in someone else's relationship because it highlights the deficits in our own. The truth is, we all have work to do. For some of us it's more, for other's not so much. Every relationship is so individual and unique, and while our behaviour and belief's determine what that relationship looks and feels like, our upbringing is also responsible.
While we often project blame and our own battles which we resist onto other people, it prevents us doing the work and figuring out our part in it all. Where did those wounds derive from? Why do we feel unworthy? The secret, I believe is looking back to how we were raised, what our caregivers were like and what experiences we had in childhood. Does that justify our adult behaviour? No. It doesn't mean we become complacent in our growth, even if what happened to us was awful. We don't have to become victims of our circumstances. We have a choice everyday to be better and do better. And if we make that choice, our relationships simultaneously thrive.
"If we are open to learning and acknowledging that actually we all have deep work to be done, we can be thriving in our relationships in no time"
The first step is overrated! Sure we always do need to take that first step, however it's the consistency and the perseverance which makes any journey successful. From speaking to so many guests on "Unplug with Ani," to all the life experiences I have had, I have learnt that growth finds us while we move, not by wishful thinking. It's great to have faith that change is possible and it can happen, but it doesn't happen by just sitting on the couch hoping for it. Great relationships don't happen by just talking about how one can have a better one, or by reading a book about it. Great relationships happen by communicating our needs, by addressing our problematic areas and by accepting that we have all have flaws and that the work never stops. The minute we become too comfortable, we become complacent. And we all know when we become complacent, growth is stunted.
In the episode John highlight's that it is self love which is often lacking in relationships. And where there isn't self love, you find that people try and overextend themselves within their relationships or project their insecurities on to their relationships as a means to fill a void. The irony is, that very void need's to be filled with love that we can only give ourselves. If you don't love yourself enough, how will you love others enough? You can try. But you will find that you ultimately lose yourself in seeking external validation. You are actually even more likely to fall prey to emotionally abusive relationships when you seek what essentially is a codependent relationship. The need to fulfill another person's needs above your own will always keep you trapped. We all need to remember that we are whole as we are. Culture has fed us endless lies, that love is about finding the other half of you, and you're only complete when you find your match. True love isn't about finding what's missing in you. True love happens when you love and accept yourself, you find someone else who loves and accepts you, and you choose to love and accept each other, and work with each other. And that work shouldn't ever stop at "I do."
"When we become complacent, growth is stunted."